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In trying to come up with Something To Talk About today, I got into a conversation with the boyfriend that was funnier and more interesting than anything I wanted to rant about. Rather than forcing myself to write when I wasn’t feeling it, I decided to transcribe our behind-the-scenes shenanigans into the only format that made sense:

Spicy Thai Popcorn

So authentically Asian.

  • 1/2 cup popcorn kernels
  • 1 cup chili lemon peanuts
  • 1 cup shredded, sweetened coconut
  • 3 tbsp vegetable oil
  • 1 tsp chili oil
  • 1 tsp sesame oil
  • 1 tsp thai spice mix
  • 1 tsp  Spicy Chili Lime Popcorn Seasoning
  • 1/4 tsp powdered ginger

Heat oils in large frying pan. Add popcorn and cover. When popcorn starts to pop, shake pan constantly until popping slows. Remove from heat and continue shaking until popping stops. Mix peanuts, coconut and spices in a separate bowl. Pour over popcorn and toss.

Once again, thanks must go to my not-nearly-better half for putting together a strip. I told him he wouldn’t ever have to do another, since the last one was made solely as a tribute to Comic-Con. But I say a lot of things—I’m almost biblical in that sense. I suppose a confession is in order, as well: I don’t actually own a laptop. We made that part up. Somebody buy me one.

TWTG says, “I have risotto on my shirt and what looks like a booger.”


Stranger Danger

The “charming and gorgeous” picture

The following is a very real e-mail from someone in Los Angeles wanting a peepee touch from yours truly. I’ve left all the grammatical blemishes in, and while it might not seem offensive or creepy at first… realize this was sent to me through LinkedIn:

Charming & Gorgeous picture. what manner of beauty bestowed on one person like you. You must have been created on God’s resting day.

I don’t know what to say after going through your profile, what a beauty you are, but in a short note, I will say that am thrilled, I would like to know more about you if you don’t mind. Anyway, my name is [name omitted], i am a normal man and would like to be friends with you. Can i have your email? or write me on [e-mail omitted]. Hope to hear from you soon if you are interested.

[I so desperately want to sign this Jack the Raper]

Oh, men, men, men. Sorry, but I really do have to put you all on trial for this—like a class action lawsuit in reverse. Does (attempted) suaveness still work in 2012? Are there still women susceptible to this kind of long-winded puffery? And what the fuck does “God’s resting day” mean? God made me on the day He wasn’t doing shit? Also, I submit that if you have to consciously describe yourself as “normal”, you must also be willing to allow an inspection of the contents of your basement. You will? Ha! Egg on your face, sex deviant! California homes don’t have basements (my sister’s notwithstanding).

Being the way I am, obviously it isn’t my first rodeo with this sort of thing. But… really? Is this what we’re down to? Trolling for résumé ass on LinkedIn? Call me old fashioned, but I actually prefer the shitty one-liners: “Wanna go halfsies on a baby?”, “all those curves and me with no brakes”, “do you like athletic gear, because I’m sporting goods”, etc.. I actually thought of that third one, but you can borrow it if you’d like. Just put it in your pocket for safe keeping—right next to the chloroform.

Charming And Gorgeous Popcorn

Smuggling it into “The Dark Knight Rises”

  • 8 cups popcorn, plain
  • 8 slices crispy bacon, crumbled
  • 1 cup toasted pecans, chopped
  • 6 tbsp unsalted butter
  • 1 1/2 cup maple syrup
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp ancho chili powder

In large bowl, combine popcorn, crumbled bacon and pecans. (I popped my corn in bacon fat to add another layer of flavor and sin.) Line a large cookie sheet with foil and spray with non-stick spray. Melt butter in a medium sauce pan. Add maple syrup, salt and chili powder. Do not stir. Bring to a boil and continue boiling until a candy thermometer reads 300˚. (I went out and purchased a candy thermometer just so I could make this recipe.) Pour hot maple candy over popcorn and stir quickly with an oiled silicon spatula. Spread into prepared cookie sheet and allow to cool. Break up any large pieces.

I seem to have a nice theme of popcorn and perverts this week. Rereading the above, I do come off as a bit of a bully… but I can live with that. Maybe it helps to know the e-mail was sent at 12:44 a.m. on a Wednesday—which means, even from a LinkedIn point of view, it screams unprofessionalism. Jack also must not read the blog, else he’d know I’m already in a medium-crappy relationship.

TWTG says, “If I do yoga right now, I’m gonna barf.”

Say Bacon

Future vegan left. Still cool kid right.

Since nobody will have sex with vegans, we can’t hope to clear our plate of society’s leaf lovers through prima nocta. There is hope, however, as I like to believe that one of them dies each time I write “bacon” on the blog. I don’t mean this metaphorically—as though my delightful wit will somehow reprogram their dietary glitches. I mean it’s a culling song, like telling a fairy in Neverland you don’t believe in it. Well, I don’t believe in fairies, either, mine just live in the blue states.

I’ve mentioned my BVFA (Best Vegan Friend, Ami) before, and, despite anything I’ve said about her ilk, I absolutely adore her. We’ve been besties since high school, and I would never let a thing like Doing Food Wrong impede our progress as heterosexual lovers. But here’s a story anyway: Ami, like yours truly, turned the big four-oh this year, and invited the boyfriend and I to her birthday party. Of course we went, but knowing this was going to be a healthy affair (to put it diplomatically), we decided to fill up on porky goodness beforehand. This was for a sense of symmetry, and to see if meat mouth could melt vegan skin.

Or is it bark?

I digress. We chose The Salted Pig in my hometown of Riverside—the name alone was reason enough. We went there with the intent of ReKimmending it, but it just wasn’t special enough for such charity. Nothing on its menu stood out from a million other gastropubs, save for one item: Bacon Fat Popcorn. (Oh yes they did. Their menu even says so.) This isn’t bacon-flavored popcorn, nor popcorn with bacon salt. It’s corn. That has been popped. In fucking. Bacon fat. Of course I had to steal it, then make it better and feed it to my subjects. You owe me.

Better Bacon Fat Popcorn

Oh yes I did.

  • 2 tbsp bacon fat
  • 1 tsp truffle oil
  • 1/2 cup popcorn kernels
  • Bacon Salt
  • 2 tbsp parmesan cheese
  • 1/4 tsp garlic powder

Heat bacon fat and truffle oil in large pan. Add popcorn—the oil should be hot enough that it immediately sizzles. Cover with lid and shake. I use a pan that has a glass lid so I can watch the corn pop, but you always can do it by ear. Shake pan over burner as corn pops. Turn off heat as soon as popping slows down. Sprinkle hot popcorn with Bacon Salt (to taste), parmesan cheese and garlic powder. Toss and serve. Amaze the neighbors, show up a trendy restaurant, sneak it into the movies, etc..

This post had everything! Love for bacon, hate for vegans (although I think they got off lightly), vulgarity, shaming, an easy white trash recipe and it all segued nicely. All we’re missing is some sweater cows… click here? Nope. You can’t. And, oh, just in case my blogging curse does work: bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon.

TWTG says, “I put it in my purse, because I stole it outright.”