I’m not sure how many of you are aware but TWTG is single again and on the prowl. I had been using a lovely little internet dating site called OKCupid. Now, I’m a big girl, and I can handle some bullshit but I’ve already taken my profile down. See, being the Queen of Everything has its advantages, one of which is having men flock to you by virtues of your, um, God given attributes. (Thank you parents and sweet baby Jesus for the boobies!) It didn’t take long to become overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses, which led me to consider a different approach:
I’m taking applications.
Now Hiring at TWTG Incorporated!
Position to be filled: Boyfriend
Position vacated: August 13, 2012
Day job (not as boyfriend, husband or gigolo)
Car (2009 or newer)
House (no roommates, kids don’t count)
Children OK but no psycho ex-wives
Adventure seeking, vodka drinking, affable and outgoing
Handsome (in my opinion)
Brains (mmmm, yummy, brains)
A sense of humor (if you can’t laugh at life, I have no use for you)
Please submit resume to email@example.com along with a photo and drink invitation (you are buying, buddy), to apply for a face to face interview. VEGANS NEED NOT APPLY! Anyone under the age of 33, I do not need to hear how age is just a number and you are so mature and don’t get along with women your age. I know damn well why you are cougar hunting and I just have to say, if I’m the cougar, I get to choose my prey.
Fig Seeks Bacon
- Fresh figs
- Chèvre (goat cheese)
I didn’t include ingredient amounts because you can make as few or as many as you want.
Preheat oven to 400˚. Wash figs and pat dry with a paper towel. Slice each fig in half just below the stem (keeping the stem intact). Place about a teaspoon of chèvre between the two fig halves. Cut bacon slices in half. Wrap each fig with a half slice of bacon and secure with a toothpick. Place on baking sheet and roast for 20 minutes. Voila! Perfect small bite to impress dates.
Those loyal Subjects that have been reading the blog for a while know that I’ve had my share of internet stalkers. No big deal when you have a man in the house to deal with such threats. I could depend on my 18 yr old being home but that occasion is too rare to rely on. This is why no one gets an invitation to my house until I’ve first met them in a crowded, public place and sent a picture of their ID to my bite sized friend Autumn. Maybe I’ll acquire a hand gun, some mace and a large dog, just in case… not that I’m threatening you. I swear, I’m a sweetheart. Promise…
TWTG says, “I’ve had it with you people and your fuckery!”