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Casting Call

I’m not sure how many of you are aware but TWTG is single again and on the prowl. I had been using a lovely little internet dating site called OKCupid. Now, I’m a big girl, and I can handle some bullshit but I’ve already taken my profile down. See, being the Queen of Everything has its advantages, one of which is having men flock to you by virtues of your, um, God given attributes. (Thank you parents and sweet baby Jesus for the boobies!) It didn’t take long to become overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses, which led me to consider a different approach:

I’m taking applications.

Now Hiring at TWTG Incorporated!

Position to be filled:         Boyfriend

Position vacated:             August 13, 2012

Requirements:

Day job (not as boyfriend, husband or gigolo)

Car (2009 or newer)

House (no roommates, kids don’t count)

Children OK but no psycho ex-wives

Adventure seeking, vodka drinking, affable and outgoing

Handsome (in my opinion)

Brains (mmmm, yummy, brains)

A sense of humor (if you can’t laugh at life, I have no use for you)

Please submit resume to thewhitetrashgourmet@gmail.com along with a photo and drink invitation (you are buying, buddy), to apply for a face to face interview. VEGANS NEED NOT APPLY! Anyone under the age of 33, I do not need to hear how age is just a number and you are so mature and don’t get along with women your age. I know damn well why you are cougar hunting and I just have to say, if I’m the cougar, I get to choose my prey.

Fig Seeks Bacon 

  • Fresh figs
  • Bacon
  • Chèvre (goat cheese)

    Cuddled up together

I didn’t include ingredient amounts because you can make as few or as many as you want.

Preheat oven to 400˚. Wash figs and pat dry with a paper towel. Slice each fig in half just below the stem (keeping the stem intact). Place about a teaspoon of chèvre between the two fig halves. Cut bacon slices in half. Wrap each fig with a half slice of bacon and secure with a toothpick. Place on baking sheet and roast for 20 minutes. Voila! Perfect small bite to impress dates.

Those loyal Subjects that have been reading the blog for a while know that I’ve had my share of internet stalkers. No big deal when you have a man in the house to deal with such threats. I could depend on my 18 yr old being home but that occasion is too rare to rely on. This is why no one gets an invitation to my house until I’ve first met them in a crowded, public place and sent a picture of their ID to my bite sized friend Autumn. Maybe I’ll acquire a hand gun, some mace and a large dog, just in case… not that I’m threatening you. I swear, I’m a sweetheart. Promise…

TWTG says, “I’ve had it with you people and your fuckery!”

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18 responses »

  1. All reasonable requirements except the car. A) do you want a car centric must-have-the-latest-model-because-that’s-where-I-place-my-self-worth type? What about those who love older cars. Thought game: Que es muey mas macho? Un Kia 2010 o un 1988 Jaguar XJS? I just don’t want to see you paint yourself into a corner.

    Reply
  2. Good luck on your search! I hope the food recipes won’t suffer as a result when someone does end up answering your casting call!

    Reply
    • thewhitetrashgourmet

      No Daddy! Cooking is one of the ways I show love and affection. If anything a new boy makes me cook more and show off A LOT more. Should only improve.

      Reply
  3. sooooooooooo wish i was on the left coast!

    Reply
    • thewhitetrashgourmet

      Never said I was a goegraphist (is this even possibly a word?) That’s why God gave us jets. 5 hours ain’t nothing by air. FYI I have received two applications. Hysterical!

      Reply
  4. are you asking for references? security checks? resumes?

    glad you’re back in the saddle looking for someone to saddle you. smack that ass.

    Reply
    • thewhitetrashgourmet

      Oh girl I love you! Right now I figure a three date minimum is good. I still haven’t paid for dinner. LIFE IS GOOD! (Almost typed life is food, i guess it’s that too!)

      Reply
  5. Hey, It’s great to see you have standards. And of course pre-qualification helps weed out the losers and weirdos. But you got to be careful of the closet weirdo that once he’s on the inside so to speak let’s his inner freak out. I think it’s all in the eyes. Watch the eyes, the shifty, the beady, you get my drift. Take em to the proctologist and give em the once over. The goal is to break em down and send them away crying like little babies. The one that can take it might actually be a winner you could be proud to call your bitch.

    Reply
  6. Damn. Even with the geographic waiver, I can’t quite qualify. I know you said no psycho ex-wives, but what if it’s my current wife that’s the psycho? (Kidding, I know I can’t apply. And she isn’t psycho. Much.)

    Found the perfect recipe book for you while vacation in New Orleans last week. I’m emailing you a picture of the cover cuz I don’t think I can paste a picture of it in here.

    Reply
  7. Pingback: Pros and Cons of being a Single 30-Something Dude « Brother Jon

  8. Pingback: A White Trash Gem | Sincerely, Slapdash

  9. I was in your position not so very long ago. I realigned my priorities. Scroll to the bottom of this post for a convenient, easy-to-memorize chart http://lovehaunt.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/mid-life-dating-shifting-priorities/

    Also, I found a direct and to-the-point “About Me” section on a dating profile to be highly effective. See here. http://lovehaunt.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/online-dating-again-am-i-crazy/

    If fact, not to be self-aggrandising, but if you click the Dating category of my blog, when you’re frustrated, bored, and have nothing else to do, you can read more about my grizzly re-entry into the dating world. After being single a long, long time. Miracle of miracles, this time around I met someone worth keeping. 🙂

    Reply

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