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Stranger Danger

The “charming and gorgeous” picture

The following is a very real e-mail from someone in Los Angeles wanting a peepee touch from yours truly. I’ve left all the grammatical blemishes in, and while it might not seem offensive or creepy at first… realize this was sent to me through LinkedIn:

Charming & Gorgeous picture. what manner of beauty bestowed on one person like you. You must have been created on God’s resting day.

I don’t know what to say after going through your profile, what a beauty you are, but in a short note, I will say that am thrilled, I would like to know more about you if you don’t mind. Anyway, my name is [name omitted], i am a normal man and would like to be friends with you. Can i have your email? or write me on [e-mail omitted]. Hope to hear from you soon if you are interested.

Regards,
[I so desperately want to sign this Jack the Raper]

Oh, men, men, men. Sorry, but I really do have to put you all on trial for this—like a class action lawsuit in reverse. Does (attempted) suaveness still work in 2012? Are there still women susceptible to this kind of long-winded puffery? And what the fuck does “God’s resting day” mean? God made me on the day He wasn’t doing shit? Also, I submit that if you have to consciously describe yourself as “normal”, you must also be willing to allow an inspection of the contents of your basement. You will? Ha! Egg on your face, sex deviant! California homes don’t have basements (my sister’s notwithstanding).

Being the way I am, obviously it isn’t my first rodeo with this sort of thing. But… really? Is this what we’re down to? Trolling for résumé ass on LinkedIn? Call me old fashioned, but I actually prefer the shitty one-liners: “Wanna go halfsies on a baby?”, “all those curves and me with no brakes”, “do you like athletic gear, because I’m sporting goods”, etc.. I actually thought of that third one, but you can borrow it if you’d like. Just put it in your pocket for safe keeping—right next to the chloroform.

Charming And Gorgeous Popcorn

Smuggling it into “The Dark Knight Rises”

  • 8 cups popcorn, plain
  • 8 slices crispy bacon, crumbled
  • 1 cup toasted pecans, chopped
  • 6 tbsp unsalted butter
  • 1 1/2 cup maple syrup
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp ancho chili powder

In large bowl, combine popcorn, crumbled bacon and pecans. (I popped my corn in bacon fat to add another layer of flavor and sin.) Line a large cookie sheet with foil and spray with non-stick spray. Melt butter in a medium sauce pan. Add maple syrup, salt and chili powder. Do not stir. Bring to a boil and continue boiling until a candy thermometer reads 300˚. (I went out and purchased a candy thermometer just so I could make this recipe.) Pour hot maple candy over popcorn and stir quickly with an oiled silicon spatula. Spread into prepared cookie sheet and allow to cool. Break up any large pieces.

I seem to have a nice theme of popcorn and perverts this week. Rereading the above, I do come off as a bit of a bully… but I can live with that. Maybe it helps to know the e-mail was sent at 12:44 a.m. on a Wednesday—which means, even from a LinkedIn point of view, it screams unprofessionalism. Jack also must not read the blog, else he’d know I’m already in a medium-crappy relationship.

TWTG says, “If I do yoga right now, I’m gonna barf.”

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31 responses »

  1. TWTG,
    “God made me on the day He wasn’t doing shit?”. I will steal that line one day.
    Le Clown
    PS: It is a magnificent picture.

    Reply
  2. Trolling for ass on LinkedIn….I think I peed myself a little….great stuff!!

    Reply
  3. That really is a great picture.

    Reply
  4. Hahaha, great post. “Bacon fat for another layer of flavor and sin”. Love it.

    Reply
  5. I was always partial to “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants tonight.” But it always came out “Um hi. My name is Ben. Do you like croquet?” and then I would hit myself in the forehead and yell “Stupid! Stupid!” Somehow I have a brilliant wife. I think she just needs me to move furniture.

    Reply
  6. Brilliant. Best pickup line for me was guy dancing in a sweater asking me to pull his thread as I walk away to the tune of the Weezer song, although unfortunately for him it didn’t work. Thanks for lots of dirty popcorn I need to try.

    Reply
  7. hahaha! Too funny! But must try the popcorn (no perverts required).

    Reply
  8. Right, well I know not what to do.

    Reply
  9. Pingback: Michael Helps « The White Trash Gourmet

  10. In the first place, God made vegans and vegetarians That was for practice. Then he made cooking school boards

    I believe the gooses were created on wednesday and the French on thursday to stuffed the gooses.

    And on sunday he created you,on his day off…oh how nice !

    Think about it…it took God his entire day off to create you !!!

    It must have been an exhausting challenge : He never came back to finish his job on monday.

    :-))

    Reply
  11. Pingback: Trust Le Clown – The White Trash Gourmet | A Clown On Fire

  12. This post will haunt yet inspire me the next time I want to take popcorn with bacon to the local library whose IP address can’t be traced to my laptop as I start stalking friends of friends on the Facebooks.

    Reply
  13. I think I need to write a post on the ridiculousness of LinkedIn. It makes me laugh that this guy found you there. Perhaps you should blacken out one of your teeth?

    Reply
  14. Hilarious post. You’re “in a medium-crappy relationship” — I so relate, but are there any other kind? I always look at the time emails are sent for I do think they’re a very telling detail about the sender, especially if that sender is oblivious that 12:44 am is not the equivalent to 2 pm for most everyone else in the western hemisphere. That was quite an original and intrepid perv to surf LinkedIn profiles angling for fresh source of booty.

    Your recipe looks as delish as it is decadent. I would never make it myself, but I will surely pass it on in hopes someone will make it for me. Hm, maybe I’ll start surfing LinkedIn to find that Special Someone to make me special snacks.

    Got here from Le Clown.

    Reply
  15. “Wanna go halfsies on a baby?” Never heard that one. It’s a classic. I almost wish I had been targeted with it.

    Reply
  16. Le Clown scores again! Yes, it is a magnificent picture–and a great post. Thanks for the popcorn recipe…my SO loves popcorn; think I’m gonna surprise him tonight.

    Reply
  17. Le Clown knows who to profile! Very funny post, and I’m going to make that recipe!~

    Reply
  18. That sounds like some kick-ass popcorn.

    Reply
  19. You might be my new favorite girl crush!

    Reply

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