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Game. Set. Match.

“It is not enough merely to win; others must lose.” 
―Gore Vidal 

The air is so thin at the top.

I’ve rubbed my unassailable need to win all over your stupid faces touched on my competitive nature in the past, but it really does deserve its own post. Beneath this spongy, nerdy exterior is a jock-like need to triumph, and there are only two people that really understand this about me: yours truly, and any dumbass playing the other side. If you follow the blog, you know I obviously don’t have any of the more modest values of sportsmanship—if I wanted camaraderie, I would’ve joined the Freemasons (they admit women now). I do, however, welcome anyone wishing to join my team. You won’t fuck up my game because you don’t get to do anything. Sit there, and don’t even look pretty. That’s my job.

I try to extend these values into every facet of my daily life, whether they’re applicable or not. There’s no such thing as competitive yoga—as competition would contradict the entire message of the practice—but I don’t let that stop me. My dog must be the downwardest, lest I beat you inflexible with my mat. Hey, Trivial Pursuit, who was the first American-born Asian ever nominated for an Oscar? Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. Wax off, bitch. Even my rock can smash scissors and tear through paper. Now I don’t project any of this onto my children; they just get to sit in quiet judgment of their horrible momma. It doesn’t come from a place of insecurity, either, as I really can just do a given task better than you.

Why am I telling you such things? Two reasons. One, because everything I think is worth mentioning. Two, because I want you to appreciate the magnitude of what posting today’s recipe means to me. It was given to me by a coworker who twice won our company’s annual bake-off. Two years ago, my Reese’s peanut butter cake was no match for her blueberry pie. I’d hate her stinking guts if she weren’t as outright lovely as her baking. And she’s cute. And tall. Pfft.

Janeen’s Award Winning Ice Cream Dessert

Happy Birthday, Hannah!

  • 1 pound Oreos, crushed
  • 1 cup margarine
  • 1 3/4 cup powdered sugar
  • 1 can (12 oz) evaporated milk
  • 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 gallon Breyer’s Vanilla Ice Cream
  • 1 1/2 cups dry-roasted peanuts

Combine crushed Oreos and 1/2 cup melted margarine. Press into bottom of 9×13 glass dish. Chill for 1 hour. In saucepan over medium heat, combine 1/2 cup margarine, powdered sugar, evaporated milk and chocolate chips. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Continue to boil for 8 minutes and DO NOT stop stirring. Remove from heat and add vanilla. Set aside to cool. Slice ice cream into 3/4 inch slices and place on top of Oreo crust. Top with peanuts and cooled fudge sauce. Place in freezer for at least 8 hours or overnight. Serve and win prizes.

My competitiveness is especially handy for family potlucks (i.e. every party we have), except when my brother-in-law, Joel, occupies the kitchen like a shiftless liberal. He so very obviously sold his soul to the organic devil—that Trader named Joe—and would win at being the family’s Food Bitch (my favorite alter ego) if he weren’t so terribly straight. We’ll call him a Food Dick instead. Monsieur Belding brought a bacon jam sweet rolly thingy to our Fourth of July celebration, and it one of the most uniquely delicious things I’ve ever eaten. So much so that I’m gonna let him write a guest post for me soon. I was originally afraid he might win you all over, then I realized I have way better tits.

TWTG says, “You’re all hot from working with frogs.”


8 responses »

  1. TWTG,
    I am proud, my young padawan (blood boiling yet?). You did channel Le Clown today… And very well, too. Trivia Pursuit? “Everything I think is worth mentioning”? I’m proud of you, pupil.
    Le Clown

  2. I’m a sucker for an oreo crust – yummy!

  3. There are times when you render me speechless and piss me off at Friends with Words.

  4. i can’t compete, so i won’t try. but i’m known for my good hair.


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