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The Science Of Vegans And Clowns


Have you ever heard of the Uncanny Valley? (Yes, I’m a one-woman dictionary this week. I’m also a one-woman USO, so I know you’ll forgive me. Rawr.) It’s a hypothesis stating that when something embodies human characteristics, but isn’t perfectly human in appearance or behavior, it elicits a feeling of revulsion from us. This is why the sight of clowns is unsettling (apologies to Le Clown), as is zombies, mannequins, anthropomorphic robots, terminally ill patients, Kirsten Dunst and china dolls.

We intrinsically reject whatever is only spiritually like us, and I think that’s (part of) why vegans are so offensive to me. Your dietary standards are so close to my own, then you have to go and fuck up that last dairy bit. Organic? Absolutely. Preservative free? Let’s do this. Gelato…? Now you’re an asshole. Maybe this comparison in unfair. The Uncanny Valley deals primarily with physical features,  so I’ll try to address it on those terms. Vegans, that smug, superior grin across your skeletal, hipster face might suggest a smile, but it doesn’t quite mean what smiles should: unconditional joy. Stop scaring the children.

As for vegetarians… I got no beef with you (har har). I’ll just point out, however, that unless your produce was certifiably grown in the hydroponically-friendly yurt of Rivers P. Greasybeard, its procurance spared the lives of no animals. Between insects, rodents, lagomorphs, birds and any other creature shelved into the psychologically-placating category of “pest,” more lives are taken in the harvesting of crops than the culling of livestock. But, hey, you dig my stinky cheeses, so you at least qualify as real.

Fakon (or vacon) isn’t bacon no matter how much you make your tongue squint. I fed our new kitty some fakon; she coughed up grey stuff and started listening to Enya. Then I fed her some bacon, and now we own a lion. I renamed her Mufasa. Because she’s James Earl Jones. She’s Darth Fucking Vader. Keep being awesome, my little meatatarian.

Veggie Meat Sticks

Even veggies love bacon.

  • baby bok choy
  • japanese eggplant
  • shiitake mushrooms
  • sliced bacon

I didn’t include amounts because you can make as many skewers as you wish. Slice the bok choy in half. Cut eggplant into 1–2 inch thick slices. Run a skewer through a slice of bacon, then add a veggie, take the bacon over the top (like you are weaving), add another veggie, etc., until you end up with a skewer full of veggies interspersed with meat. Season with salt and pepper, and grill on barbecue until bacon is cooked.

Inspiration for this post came from my BVF (best vegan friend), Ami. At a recent shindig, she told me that while she enjoyed my blog, she thought we had been too hard on her meatless contemporaries. Rereading some of my latest entries, I actually haven’t gone for their throat in months. That means there was a quota of delicious neck meat to fill, and today’s finger-pointing tasted good.

TWTG says, “It was all vegibacontarian!”


15 responses »

  1. That picture of the vegan looks like it cam from Marvel Universe from the mid-eighties. At that time I read and reread the Marvel Universe entry on Spider-Man. When the first Spider-Man movie came out I saw it with my father-in-law. He couldn’t understand why the actress cast as the love interest was in her late thirties.At the time Kirsten Dunst was 20. A thing, although I know not what it is, has gone full circle or would have if Kirsten Dunst was a vegan. Think about it.

  2. TWTG,
    This post cracked me up. You see, Vader tried becoming a vegan, and see what happened to him? Only the likes of Jar-Jar take that road.
    Le Clown

  3. u make my day, one in a million

  4. I also have a really good friend who is a vegan – otherwise, I hate all them all. ALTHOUGH – he came over for dinner awhile back and I made a totally vegan lasagna which kicked ASS. It was seriously amazing and I was kind of proud of myself for it – and I’ve thought about making it again and blogging about it. Which I just might do. Ok, alright, I’ll do it. Shit was good. Also, Kirsten Dunst seems to have large gums and small teeth – which totally repels me, so I get the whole Uncanny Valley thing.

    • On occasion I make an accidentally vegan dish and of course they are good. I find the fake cheeses and other dairy products can be pretty creamy, the thing is what the heck are they made of? This thing like a thing but not quite that thing harkens back to my whole uncanny valley theme.

      BTW Ms Dunst has spectacular boobs. I saw them in Melancholia and wow!

  5. Then I fed her some bacon, and now we own a lion. I renamed her Mufasa. Because she’s James Earl Jones. She’s Darth Fucking Vader. Keep being awesome, my little meatatarian.

    bahahahaha – too funny. I haven’t decided if I like your writing or recipes better, both are entertaining… since Michelle does most of the cooking and seems to only be able to navigate Facebook, i am going to start printing this stuff up, i’m hungry! maybe i will tell her to like your facebook page, although i rarely see anything pop up on face book from the WTG, what up with that? It might be my page settings….?

    • Hmm, I share on my page and my own timeline, each and every post, so if we are friends and you like my TWTG page then you should see them. I’m working on a good way to get the recipes to print on their own. I’ll make Russell figure it out 🙂

  6. My vegan sister is raising a kid who says things like: I don’t eat that because animals are my friends.
    I really don’t want to bitch slap a 4 year old but I kinda do.

  7. I’ve loved Kirsten Dunst since she played Lux in The Virgin Suicides & have her to thank for my Marie Antoinette obsession. She makes me want to eat cake, drink large quantities of alcohol, buy expensive frilly shoes & let my cleavage spill!

    Let’s bash Julianne Hough instead! I swear it’s not a Mormon thing. Just sayin’…. 🙂

    • Could be I just need to watch The Virgin Suicides. As far as Julianne Hough goes, she has yet to hit my radar. Looked her up on IMDB and I’ve not seen anything that she’s done. Plus, she kinda looks way prettier than Ms Dunst. I can’t speak to her acting though.


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