Have you ever heard of the Uncanny Valley? (Yes, I’m a one-woman dictionary this week. I’m also a one-woman USO, so I know you’ll forgive me. Rawr.) It’s a hypothesis stating that when something embodies human characteristics, but isn’t perfectly human in appearance or behavior, it elicits a feeling of revulsion from us. This is why the sight of clowns is unsettling (apologies to Le Clown), as is zombies, mannequins, anthropomorphic robots, terminally ill patients, Kirsten Dunst and china dolls.
We intrinsically reject whatever is only spiritually like us, and I think that’s (part of) why vegans are so offensive to me. Your dietary standards are so close to my own, then you have to go and fuck up that last dairy bit. Organic? Absolutely. Preservative free? Let’s do this. Gelato…? Now you’re an asshole. Maybe this comparison in unfair. The Uncanny Valley deals primarily with physical features, so I’ll try to address it on those terms. Vegans, that smug, superior grin across your skeletal, hipster face might suggest a smile, but it doesn’t quite mean what smiles should: unconditional joy. Stop scaring the children.
As for vegetarians… I got no beef with you (har har). I’ll just point out, however, that unless your produce was certifiably grown in the hydroponically-friendly yurt of Rivers P. Greasybeard, its procurance spared the lives of no animals. Between insects, rodents, lagomorphs, birds and any other creature shelved into the psychologically-placating category of “pest,” more lives are taken in the harvesting of crops than the culling of livestock. But, hey, you dig my stinky cheeses, so you at least qualify as real.
Fakon (or vacon) isn’t bacon no matter how much you make your tongue squint. I fed our new kitty some fakon; she coughed up grey stuff and started listening to Enya. Then I fed her some bacon, and now we own a lion. I renamed her Mufasa. Because she’s James Earl Jones. She’s Darth Fucking Vader. Keep being awesome, my little meatatarian.
Veggie Meat Sticks
- baby bok choy
- japanese eggplant
- shiitake mushrooms
- sliced bacon
I didn’t include amounts because you can make as many skewers as you wish. Slice the bok choy in half. Cut eggplant into 1–2 inch thick slices. Run a skewer through a slice of bacon, then add a veggie, take the bacon over the top (like you are weaving), add another veggie, etc., until you end up with a skewer full of veggies interspersed with meat. Season with salt and pepper, and grill on barbecue until bacon is cooked.
Inspiration for this post came from my BVF (best vegan friend), Ami. At a recent shindig, she told me that while she enjoyed my blog, she thought we had been too hard on her meatless contemporaries. Rereading some of my latest entries, I actually haven’t gone for their throat in months. That means there was a quota of delicious neck meat to fill, and today’s finger-pointing tasted good.
TWTG says, “It was all vegibacontarian!”