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What’cha Got Cookin’

Cute enough for basic cable.

We say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and while it’s very pretty to think so, the truth is far less interesting. Beauty is simply the opposite of common—we covet whatever is culturally rare. When we were peasants working in the fields, tan, thin and malnourished were considered unattractive in the (mole-covered) face of pale, plump and gluttonous. Now that progress has forced us into cubicles, chaining us at an ankle we’ll ultimately lose to diabetic goodness, the peasant look has become the gold standard for all things tappable.

In that sense, I was conceived in the wrong era. I know, weren’t we all? But with my nefarious curves, ample bosom and skin that pinks nicely on even the cloudiest evenings, imagine the goddess I would’ve been revered as in a time when these qualities were deemed healthy, not unfortunate. So pick up a shovel and start harvesting your food again, peasants. Together, we’ll solve obesity, bankrupt McDonald’s and yours truly won’t have to lift a single, chubby digit to blossom into centerfold material. Win-win-win.

Fruit of the ugly tree.

I don’t know why I’m so preoccupied with beauty, as this is my umpteenth post about it. It’s not like I blog about a particularly good-looking field. I mean, consider some of our culinary figureheads: Mario Batali, Ina Garten, Martha Stewart, Swedish Chef and Guy Fieri. Not to impugn their talent—they’re brilliant—but the only time any of them were asked to have the lights on during sex was when a Muppeteer lost his watch. Compared to that… where’s my show, America? Don’t tell me it’s about credentials. Rachel Ray is every bit the classically-trained chef I am, but that Marlboro-voiced bitch has more shows than are worth counting (and isn’t nearly as cute).

Colorful Corny Salad

  • 1 bag frozen corn
  • 1 orange bell pepper, diced
  • 1 cup red onion, diced
  • 2 tomatoes, chopped
  • 2 can black beans, rinsed
  • 1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
  • zest and juice of 2 limes
  • 1 tsp chili powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/4 tsp black pepper
  • 1/4 tsp cumin

Even my salad is pretty.

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes (although this is another one of those dishes that becomes more flavorful with time). Due to the frozen corn and lack of mayonnaise, it also travels well and is ideal for picnics

Of course not everyone with a cooking show is ghoulish. Giada’s gorgeous, but she has a distinct, unfair advantage. I’ve counted her teeth and firmly believe that she’s mostly shark. In case you didn’t major in marine biology, let me edify you: shark skin doesn’t age. It stays pristine throughout the animal’s entire life, so it’s no wonder why she remains timeless. Pregnant pause. I have no idea how a shark’s skin ages. But look at your face! You were being talked into it.

TWTG says, “Fuzz out my old!”


20 responses »

  1. Love your wit. And the Swedish chef.

  2. Yes, big fan of this post, for Swedish chef, chubby digits, and a touch of gratuitous cleavage. I would watch your show.

  3. Vote #3 for the Swedish Chef. And that yummy salad. Plus you’re seriously gorgeous.

  4. This looks yummy. And you’re so funny! 🙂

  5. I have to say that Giada would be amazingly attractive if not for the existence of Natalie Portman, The comparison makes someones head look really big. Now Laura Calder, that is an amazingly good looking cooking type lady.

  6. You could be the American Nigella. Tits and amazing foods.


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