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Another Mouth To Feed

Stupid Sean.

For the last month, my eldest has endlessly pestered me about adopting a particular kitten from a friend’s recent litter. I had no issue with this, save for one prerequisite: Get a job, Sean! In fairness, he’s been out there, looking (in that teenage way of hardly looking at all). But until he could afford to take care of it himself, I made it clear the little critter had to stay put. So of course he came home with it, still unemployed. And of course I said yes.

Am I chump? Oh, I’m a chump deluxe, especially for a sweet face. I mean, look at that mug! I want to hug her and squeeze her… but, sadly, I can’t name her George. Her name is Eighty. As in, one better than seventy-nine. As in, best decade ever. As in, happy birthday, you octogenarian fuck. Yeah, it’s weird. At least it’s miles better than our other kitty, whom we named (wait for it) Kitty. Don’t let kids christen things. Kids huff paint; kids are morons.

Where was I?

Ah yes, the cute justifies the means. I’m not discovering anything new here, as the adorable have always had a leg up on the horrible. If polar bears looked like naked mole rats, that ice couldn’t melt fast enough. If pandas possessed Snooki-like properties (beyond the pudge), we’d shoot them as a punishment for humping to save their dwindling species. And even though he went against momma’s wishes, my son still has his skin because he gave me eighty darling reasons not to flay it off. With a butter knife. A wooden butter knife.

Calzones

You will burn your tongue.

  • pre-made pizza dough
  • pizza sauce
  • ricotta
  • mozzarella
  • pepperonis
  • mushrooms, sautéed 
  • spinach
  • marinated artichoke hearts

Preheat oven to 450˚. One package of dough makes 2 calzones. Stretch dough into a circle on a floured cutting board. Spread pizza sauce on dough. Place about 1/4 cup ricotta on half of dough, topped with other ingredients. (My kids take theirs with no veggies and I add them all.) Like any pizza, you can add whatever toppings you like. Fold dough over to make a half circle and pinch edges together. Place on pizza stone that has been heating in the oven and bake for 10 minutes. Serve with extra pizza sauce on top.

The moral of the world is this: Be super cute and non-ugly, and people will give you free shit. Having great boobs helps, too, so book that invasive surgery soon, ladies. I’m not judging—it’s not your fault Mother Nature rolled snake eyes in your bra. I’m gonna write a children’s book.

TWTG says, “Hold on, I’m busy getting short.”

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9 responses »

  1. I just recently tried refrigerated pizza dough for calzones! To my surprise it was really good which makes me wonder why I’ve been making it from scratch for all these years!! LOL! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said we are not getting another cat… and yet we have another little adorable monster who is named Doc(tor Frank-N-Furter, I ♥ my daughter) but we call him kitty 😉

    Reply
    • I buy refrigerated from Trader Joes. I don’t usually make my own dough unless it’s the weekend and I have time to spare.

      Sweet 80 has perforated me to a point where I’m pretty sure I’m going to start leaking.

      Reply
  2. Dog household over here. WTG, you say Stupid Sean? Who agreed the home invasion by the cat? I say this as the naysayer here. New dog (Lady by name) arrived under similar circumstances. “Of course we’ll mind her. Of course we’ll walk her. Of course we’ll feed her. Of course we’ll walk her….” 8.00 AM and I am about to take here out for a walk, feed her and clean up after her in the garden later….
    Best,
    Conor

    Reply
    • Oh, I have a dog too and another cat, a bird and usually some fish or a reptile. My co-worker is threatening to bring me some frogs (cute little things) because her pond is overrun and her neighbors aren’t enjoying the rain forest chorus every night 🙂 I’m a total sucker for critters.

      Reply
  3. Kitties AND calzones? Perfect. Post. Ever! I’ve always had cats – and a menagerie of other animals for pets, so I know where you’re coming from. But, my mom – like you – could never resist an adorable face, either ——

    Reply
  4. Autie Bottie

    Fresh & Sleazy’s pizza dough rocks! The rosemary focaccia dough is great for pizzas too. I never buy the TJ brand anymore.

    BB wants to play with Eighty REAL bad!

    Reply
  5. Pingback: The Science Of Vegans And Clowns « The White Trash Gourmet

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