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It’s. A. Finger.

Whenever my company’s stock reaches a record high, its minions are allowed to wear jeans the following business day. Yesterday was such a day, but unfortunately my pants died halfway through it. A hole had been worn through the crotch area—something that has happened to almost every pair I’ve owned. Russell likes to believe the very thought of him disintegrates my clothing (the vapor of which collects in a void above our house, ruining whatever chance we had at keeping a lawn), and yours truly enjoys a good Kegel, but neither really explains my denim dilemma. This is not a mystery that requires solving, men, put the magnifying glass down.

It just means I have to go jeans shopping, which is about as fun as a Pap smear—for grotesquely similar reasons. This is one of the few things men actually do better than women, as the relationship with your pants is not nearly as convoluted as ours. You only have one criterion, “how’s the bulge?” (I’d say the likelier question is “where’s the beef?” but I’m wicked.) Women, on the other hand, worry how jeans affect the shape, contour and roundness of our asses, thighs and calves—which is further modified by heels, flats and sandals. There is no reliable way to predetermine a winner, as the five pairs of the exact same jeans (in size, cut and brand) can fit five completely different ways.

The bond between women and their pantalones might be dysfunctional, but it is strong in ways beyond tensile strength. Retiring a good pair really can feel like putting down an old dog. Or at least a hamster that didn’t bite too much. Sob.

Sour Cream Coffee Cake

Is coffee cake.

  • 2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup sour cream
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt


  • 2 tbsp butter
  • 1/4 cup flour
  • 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
  • 1 tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350˚. Cream together butter and sugar. Mix in eggs, sour cream and vanilla. Add in flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Mix just until blended. Transfer batter to a greased bundt pan. (Do not—like I did—use a round cake pan. I will explain more about this in my next post.) In a separate bowl, mix the topping ingredients together and sprinkle over cake batter. Bake for 45 min or until a knife stuck in the center of the cake comes out clean.

Hey guys, here’s a fun experiment for you: Ask a woman whether she’d rather find the perfect man or the perfect jeans, and I’d bet the odds are good she (legitimately) chooses the latter. Know why? Because in the perfect jeans, she can easily land a dozen of the so-called perfect you, then cull the one she likes best from the herd. Fuck your feelings.

TWTG says, “Stop trying to fix me, Russell!”


8 responses »

  1. “Fuck your feelings”


  2. The jeans photograph engaged my sympathies until I did a double take 🙂

  3. Autie Bottie

    I’m hitting up The Rack today (to rtn/replace my new wear w/ everything wedges that fell apart) & I’m super cranky/sad/hungry/alone… Would love to hang with you & The Spawn & find some new jeans. Damn stock highs!

  4. Pingback: Smoke And Mirrors « The White Trash Gourmet

  5. We can always find a way to fit into you, but you cant always say the same for your jeans (wink) . War sour cream coffee cake!
    : )


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