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Martin watches you poop.

Last weekend, Russell made me watch “The Human Centipede 2.” I hadn’t seen the first one (the most I knew of it was from the brilliant South Park episode) , but he said that was unnecessary, as it wasn’t a direct continuation of the original story. Based on the strength of what I saw, the sequel was equally unnecessary, as it wasn’t a direct continuation of anything resembling human decency. It was volatile, artless and I can’t recommend it to anyone under the age of masochistic. I’m someone who giggles at Korean torture flicks, but even I went fetal watching this. (Which might not be the best wordage, considering the birthing scene. Shudder.) The plot… if you haven’t found out for yourself by now, the movie was made entirely not for you. Go read some E. B. White and preserve whatever happiness occupies your little world.

Yet here’s the thing: I’m glad the film exists.

It might not have had a single frame to nourish humanity, but that it got released at all means we’re on the right track. It wasn’t censored. It wasn’t banned. It wasn’t demonized as the latest example of the fall of family values. The director, Tom Six, set out to make the most abhorrent piece of exploitive schlock, and it’s not that he succeeded so much that he was allowed to. When my parents were little, Elvis shaking his hips on television was considered inappropriate. How far we have come. We’re no longer legislating taste that might fall outside the boundaries of the sensitive, or within the earshot of children. There are exceptions, of course, but this type of expressive freedom fills my heart with patriotic goodness… even if I am a slightly more dead inside for having witnessed it. I’m gonna kill my stupid boyfriend.

 Speak Greek Pita Pizzas

Only 300 calories (give or take).

Serves 2

  • 2 whole wheat pitas
  • 6 oz fresh spinach
  • 1 tsp olive oil
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
  • 4 marinated artichoke hearts, roughly chopped
  • 8 pitted kalamata olives, roughly chopped
  • 1/2 red bell pepper, sliced
  • 1/4 small red onion, sliced
  • 1/4 cup crumbled feta

Preheat oven to 375˚. Saute garlic, crushed red pepper and spinach in olive oil until spinach is cooked. Salt and pepper to taste. Set aside. Chop and slice other ingredients. When spinach is cooled enough to handle, squeeze out excess liquid. Place half of spinach on each pita. Top with artichoke hearts, olives, red bell pepper, onion and feta (in that order). Bake for 10 minutes. Dinner done in less than 20 minutes—Rachel Ray’s ain’t got shit on me!

You might disagree with me, and that’s fair. Maybe you believe a clean society begins with clean entertainment, or that we should always pander to the youngest possible audience. Problem is, how can you be the subjectivity police in a world that’s both blind to your waving finger and deaf to your moral objections? Perhaps we should revert back to witch hunts, and punish those pointing South on our moral compass. But burnings and stonings have so been done, haven’t they? We would need something fresh—something that really popped with the kiddies. How about we take the top dozen offenders, line them up single file and staple them mouth-to-anus. We could film the result and call it “The Human Centipede 2.” Elvis shaking his hips? Offensive for its time. Beheading the King for shaking his hips? Eerily okay with some people.

TWTG says, “Clothes are for skinny people.”


8 responses »

  1. i read one review of that film and knew i’d never see it.

  2. Greek pita pizzas? What a fantastic idea! Also – when the first Human Centipede movie came out, I was at a job that I hated on a team that I hated. Human Centipede jokes were *de rigueur* (as they say) with the team. I normally love schlocky, crap-tastic horror movies, but my hatred for my job and my (fucktarded) teammates tainted my desire to see either of these movies. Obviously I didn’t fit in and obviously I have another job now. And I feel like I just unloaded a little bit there. Don’t know where that came from, but I feel great now!

  3. i didn’t see it, but do you remember “the cook, the their, his wife and her lover?” or something like that? the shit eating scene? GROSS.


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