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Finger(s) lickin' good.

Look, I love California. It’s a pretty groovy state, and if you can afford to live here, few places can match the consistent majesty of its coastline. I’ve explained to Russell that our retirement will be little more than stretching out on its beaches, sifting through the pages of a good book. But some of the frivolous crap its citizens can pull, and the resulting judgments its courts can award, make my brain hemorrhage.

I’ll spare you the arduous task of clicking the above link—since nobody will anyway—and simply explain the cause of today’s aneurysm: Last week, a mother in San Diego (where I live) was awarded three million dollars in her class action lawsuit against Ferrero, over the false advertising they used to promote their hazelnut spread, Nutella. Before I delve into further details, first read a transcript from one of their commercials:

“As a mom, I’m a great believer in Nutella, a delicious hazelnut spread that I use to get my kids to eat healthy foods. I spread a little on all kinds of healthy things, like multigrain toast. Every jar has wholesome, quality ingredients, like hazelnuts, skim milk, and a hint of delicious cocoa. And Nutella has no artificial colors or preservatives. It’s quick, it’s easy, and at breakfast I can use all the help I can get.”

Oh... you mean it's on the BACK of the jar.

Did you catch the three million dollar complaint in there? By saying Nutella pairs well with healthier grains, we, the American moronic, should expect the spread itself to be healthy. Right? Of course it’s not healthy—in fact, it is the nutritional equivalent of a puréed Snickers bar. How do I know this? BECAUSE I READ THE FREAKING LABEL! It’s not hidden, it’s not hidden in plain sight, it’s just in plain sight; public knowledge attainable by anyone that puts on their reading eyes. If the mom that launched this class action lawsuit were so concerned for the dietary sanctity of her kids, why is she letting television convince her of anything? In what world does she live where advertising sells itself exactly as it is?

Hey, I’m all for justice, as well as the little guy sticking it to the man. If Ferrero had outright lied, I’d be upset. If it were revealed that Nutella contained 30% crushed mice,  I’d be mad (although 29% is fine). And if it came out that the secret, addictive ingredient was baby blood, I’d be furious. Short of that, however, there is just a point where the odd man out doesn’t get to have their day in court; there is just a point where we have to keep the world’s line moving.

I don’t write this from a high ground, moral or other. I feed Nutella to my trio, knowing full well what sinisterly delicious goodness awaits them… but that’s because I’m a bad mom. I certainly don’t expect to get paid for it, and to say that the judge should’ve thrown the book at this woman sounds figurative. He should’ve literally thrown a book at her. About nutrition. Then she could have the benefit of wisdom beyond petty commercialism. She wouldn’t need to install any special drivers—books are compatible with the brains inside her skull.

Crepes With (Unhealthy) Nutella & Berries

Fruit makes it good for you.

  • 1 batch crepes (find recipe here)
  • Nutella
  • strawberries
  • raspberries
  • whipped cream

Prepare crepes as directed. Spread a little (or a lot—your choice, fellow crap moms) of Nutella in the center of each crepe. Fold crepes into quarters. Top with sliced strawberries and raspberries—you decide how many. Top with whipped cream. Delicious, albeit not the most nutritionally sound thing you can eat. 

I swear I’m in the wrong business. The shortcut to being a millionaire isn’t about being the best at anything. It’s apparently about being just bat-shit crazy enough to throw a legal hissy fit whenever the minutia of your personal happiness goes unacknowledged. So… guess what, California? Ever since your proposed foie gras ban, my parties just aren’t fancy enough anymore. If you wanna know who to make the check out to, just call me “Cash.”

TWTG says, “I’m not gonna waste truffle oil on the fucking kids, though!”


19 responses »

  1. I bought a double-wide package of Nutella at Costco and didn’t read the label before chucking it into the cart. When I got home, popped the top off, and saw that it was nothing more than a vat of cocoa-tinged chocolate, I carefully sealed it up and set it back on the pantry shelf. After six months, I’m proud to say that the kids can use it for their art projects. They think brown glue is awesome, and it tastes good too. =|

  2. sorry. i really didn’t get past that picture. thanks for the – um – hardening…

  3. Growing up, Nutella was a rare treat…Somewhere down the road, it has suddenly become a ‘healthy spread’…our food habits are being controlled by marketing:)

    Glad you highlighted this…

  4. I didn’t grow up with Nutella – prolly cause we were broke-ass poor. But now it really does seem to be everywhere and if I let myself, I would be a 400 lb lard-ass from eating the stuff. So what’s worse – broke-ass or lard-ass??

    • I didn’t grow up with it either. I don’t think it was imported in mass quantities until recently. It’s hard to say which is worse. I can tell you though it’s 10,000 times easier to put on 20 pounds than it is to take 5 off. Ugh! I think I’d rather be poor than fat but unfortunately they often go hand in hand (that is an entirely different post.)

  5. I have never had Nutella, and I never will because of psychological scarring that can in a slightly stretchy way be laid at there feet somehow. In 2008 I submitted my wine list to Wine Spectator for consideration for an award. I got a fax in return with instructions to fill out every line on the form. I had left the blank before “Hotel/Resort” empty as we were a free standing restaurant. In compliance I filled it in as “Not in a” Hotel/Resort. We were informed that we had received an award and would be mentioned in a future issue etc. When the awards issue came out, we were listed as being in “Notina Hotel/Resort.”
    My staff altered Nutella adds to read “Notina” with my picture and plastered them everywhere around the restaurant. I will never eat Nutella.
    We got calls for room reservations.

  6. i’m one of the few people that does not like nutella. but since i everything i eat is unhealthy or the first ingredient is sugar, i’m not opposed to it’s mass consumption.
    see kim, that’s what i love about you, as much of a gourmet as you are, you’re not afraid to eat a bag of cheetos. (flaming hot, anyone?)


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