Look, I love California. It’s a pretty groovy state, and if you can afford to live here, few places can match the consistent majesty of its coastline. I’ve explained to Russell that our retirement will be little more than stretching out on its beaches, sifting through the pages of a good book. But some of the frivolous crap its citizens can pull, and the resulting judgments its courts can award, make my brain hemorrhage.
I’ll spare you the arduous task of clicking the above link—since nobody will anyway—and simply explain the cause of today’s aneurysm: Last week, a mother in San Diego (where I live) was awarded three million dollars in her class action lawsuit against Ferrero, over the false advertising they used to promote their hazelnut spread, Nutella. Before I delve into further details, first read a transcript from one of their commercials:
“As a mom, I’m a great believer in Nutella, a delicious hazelnut spread that I use to get my kids to eat healthy foods. I spread a little on all kinds of healthy things, like multigrain toast. Every jar has wholesome, quality ingredients, like hazelnuts, skim milk, and a hint of delicious cocoa. And Nutella has no artificial colors or preservatives. It’s quick, it’s easy, and at breakfast I can use all the help I can get.”
Did you catch the three million dollar complaint in there? By saying Nutella pairs well with healthier grains, we, the American moronic, should expect the spread itself to be healthy. Right? Of course it’s not healthy—in fact, it is the nutritional equivalent of a puréed Snickers bar. How do I know this? BECAUSE I READ THE FREAKING LABEL! It’s not hidden, it’s not hidden in plain sight, it’s just in plain sight; public knowledge attainable by anyone that puts on their reading eyes. If the mom that launched this class action lawsuit were so concerned for the dietary sanctity of her kids, why is she letting television convince her of anything? In what world does she live where advertising sells itself exactly as it is?
Hey, I’m all for justice, as well as the little guy sticking it to the man. If Ferrero had outright lied, I’d be upset. If it were revealed that Nutella contained 30% crushed mice, I’d be mad (although 29% is fine). And if it came out that the secret, addictive ingredient was baby blood, I’d be furious. Short of that, however, there is just a point where the odd man out doesn’t get to have their day in court; there is just a point where we have to keep the world’s line moving.
I don’t write this from a high ground, moral or other. I feed Nutella to my trio, knowing full well what sinisterly delicious goodness awaits them… but that’s because I’m a bad mom. I certainly don’t expect to get paid for it, and to say that the judge should’ve thrown the book at this woman sounds figurative. He should’ve literally thrown a book at her. About nutrition. Then she could have the benefit of wisdom beyond petty commercialism. She wouldn’t need to install any special drivers—books are compatible with the brains inside her skull.
Crepes With (Unhealthy) Nutella & Berries
- 1 batch crepes (find recipe here)
- whipped cream
Prepare crepes as directed. Spread a little (or a lot—your choice, fellow crap moms) of Nutella in the center of each crepe. Fold crepes into quarters. Top with sliced strawberries and raspberries—you decide how many. Top with whipped cream. Delicious, albeit not the most nutritionally sound thing you can eat.
I swear I’m in the wrong business. The shortcut to being a millionaire isn’t about being the best at anything. It’s apparently about being just bat-shit crazy enough to throw a legal hissy fit whenever the minutia of your personal happiness goes unacknowledged. So… guess what, California? Ever since your proposed foie gras ban, my parties just aren’t fancy enough anymore. If you wanna know who to make the check out to, just call me “Cash.”
TWTG says, “I’m not gonna waste truffle oil on the fucking kids, though!”