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This picture will make sense, I swear.

It’s time to face the twenty-sided die… I’m a nerd. Hello, my name is Kimberly, and I am a nerd. Half my life was spent in the closet about this, married to a man I said “yes” to because he was the bad boy that rode motorcycles and wore leather jackets. (This is truer than you might think.) The problem with the bad boy, however, is their unwavering obsession with image. It isn’t vanity so much as an overcompensation for superficial insecurities. Whereas we to like to think of rebels as society’s honey badgers—having no causes and giving fewer shits—consider how many hours in front of a mirror it takes for them to achieve that look.

Now, I’m no stranger to fancy. I clean up nice, and look damn cute in heels, but I’ve never been able to censor the pocket-protecting poindexter that lives inside the basement of my heart—much to my ex’s chagrin. My overzealous shenanigans were an affront to his idea about how a marriage should look, and going out meant getting in trouble for committing the imaginary crime of embarrassing him. A big reason we couldn’t ultimately jibe, beyond his childish bullying, was this fixation with image—especially with his fucking hair. Seriously, I’ve yet to meet a woman as preoccupied with follicle maintenance as my former husband. Whenever he pissed himself off enough to throw something across the room, it was often a hair straightener. Why? Because it was usually the object closest to his grasp.

Just read to the end!

Nerds, on the other hand, are pathologically themselves. Some are prim and proper, others greasy and sponge-like, but none of them are faking. To be fair, I’m not a nerd in the obvious sense. While I love my Dr. Who, and play for Team Edward (y’know, the winning team), I’m not fluent in Klingon (you p’tak!), I really don’t care if Greedo shoots first and I have no idea who would win in a battle between Kefka and Sephiroth. (Russell insisted I add that last one, saying the idea of a girl even pretending to know about that fight would give at least four readers an erection.) So, while I don’t ingratiate myself with nerd culture, I don’t think we appreciate how far-reaching said culture is. Whether you collect stamps, or use numerological gymnastics to explain why the Raiders are fundamentally superior to the Chargers (which they’re not, stupid Oakland), the moment your interests go beyond recreation and become a personal signifier… congratulations! Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.

Do I have any such signifiers? Cookbooks. I collect cookbooks the way Asian babies collect adorable. In fact, Russell had to put a kibosh on my collecting recently, as my house is officially out of shelf space. I have more recipes archived than I have meals left to make in my life. Hello, my name is Kimberly, and I am a nerd.

Stuffed Eggheadplant

Brain food.

  • 12 mini or one large eggplant
  • 1/2 tub or 9.5 oz tofu
  • 4 scallions (white part only), minced
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp sesame seeds
  • 1 tbsp cooking oil
  • 1 tbsp soy sauce
  • 1 tsp seasoned rice vinegar
  • 1 tsp Sriracha
  • 1 cup panko bread crumbs (plus a little more for topping)

Cut eggplant in half lengthwise. Use a melon baller to scoop out guts of eggplant, leaving a thin layer in the skin. Place eggplant “shells” on a cookie sheet sprayed with non-stick spray. Cube tofu, place in a bowl and top with soy sauce, rice vinegar and Sriracha. Stir and allow to marinate while the other ingredients are being prepared. Heat oil in skillet over medium-high heat. Add scallions, garlic and sesame seeds. Saute for 2 minutes. Add in eggplant guts, salt and pepper to taste and add 1/2 cup water. Cover and cook until very soft, stirring occasionally. Add eggplant, tofu and panko to a large bowl and stir to combine. Fill eggplant shells with mixture, top with a bit of panko and bake for 25 minutes (or until panko is browned). Yummy and vegetarian. Heresy, I know.

As purple as your nurples.

Today’s rant couldn’t have been inspired by a more irrelevant source: Robert Goulet. As in, Las Vegas sensation, messes with your stuff, Robert Goulet. While shopping at a thrift store with Russell last Saturday, I came across an autographed photo (plus a second, random photo we discovered attached to it) of the late performer, and at five dollars, it seemed like a steal. I made Russell pay for it—he has to be good for something beyond eye-candy. Why did I need it? It certainly wasn’t fandom. The most I know about monsieur Goulet is that he sings and Beetlejuice was a really good movie. But the photo was just kitschy enough to fit my life’s nerdy-ass agenda, and not owning it was somehow wrong. It reminded me how not cool I am, and how much happier that makes me. Where am I going to hang it? I was thinking on the ceiling in the children’s bathroom. Robert Goulet watches you poop.

TWTG says, “What are you, some kind of retarded magician!?”


15 responses »

  1. *giggles* Reminds me of standing in line in Las Vegas to talk to/get an autograph from Antonio Banderas. I could care less about the man…but he was a -real- celebrity, and by gosh I was gonna see him and talk to him. *giggles* He looks a lot older without photo-shop/movie makeup, btw. Didn’t get an autograph…didn’t have anything to get it on. *shrugs* Still a neat story…if you’re a total nerd. Or an Antonio Banderas fan. 😉

    I’m an everything nerd…it’s kinda like an everything bagel. A little sprinkling of everything smushed together in a thick soup from which floats occasional sparks of…thought. 🙂

    Thanks for standing up for your nerdiness! We need all the support we can get! *hugs*

    KC & Co.

    • Was he really short? That always makes me sad about my celebrity crushes, a lot of them are shorter than I am. I stood “this” close to NPH once in LA – he’s adorable.

      • *fangirls* Lucky! I’ve been in love with him since Doogie Howser. He looks sooo cute with his S.O. and their adorable babies. My dad, the bigot, watches “How I Met Your Mother” occasionally, and I got a happy out of telling him that the misogynistic a**hole, “Barney” was really a cute little gay man. I’m impressed with his acting skills, personally. 😉 Also, yay for Doctor Horrible! (I’m a Joss Whedon fanatic…I want to have his pudgy little genius babies. 😉 )

        As for short, I couldn’t tell with Antonio, as he was sitting down. Brad Pitt, on the other hand…now that’s one that’s shorter than I thought! Not that I’ve seen him in person, but I/we went to the Wax Museum in Vegas, and saw him/his figure there. Also Buffy/SMG, Julia Roberts pushing her babies in a stroller, Young and Old Elvis, Abraham Lincoln, and John Wayne. Plus many others of course, but those were the ones we liked. 😉

        KC & Co.

      • Yea for Dr. Horrible! I used to hang out with the guy that drives the white van in it, back in the day when I spent every other weekend in LA 😉 Also the Harold and Kumar films – he’s brilliant playing himself.

  2. Thanks for the post, WTG! (Kimberly?).
    Yes, those bad boys preen as much as the socialites at the other end of the spectrum! Carefully casual.
    Love the kitsch in the kitchen!

  3. Love this – I made stuffed eggplant several months ago myself – I don’t think I blogged about it cause I left mine in the oven too long and it came out super dry. Yours looks super delicious. Don’t you just love eggplant? I have to admit, I like it better than Robert Goulet, at least. Now I’m gonna have to look him up cause I feel like I need to know his most popular songs at a moment’s notice.

    • I never even thought to stuff an eggplant until I saw those baby ones and had to have them. I knew I wanted to include tofu and Asian flavors but I had been thinking stir fry. But with a stir fry their cuteness would have been lost. See, this is how much I think about food. I get all excited when I come up with a recipe idea and when it turns out (which they do 98% of the time *pats self on back*) and once the idea is there I shape and mold it until all the elements are perfect in my head.

      Man, I do prattle on. Anyway, the building of the flavors in this eggplant is near perfect.

  4. When I was in my teens, I had long blond wavy hair that curled down to between my shoulder blades. Now I have hair growing on my shoulder blades. I get my hair cut with a blade 0 and it takes the barber about 2 minutes. The easiest €10 he ever earns. I look on it as being streamlined, aerodynamic and cool. Your ex has this reality before him. I wonder will he take it as well as I do?

    • Conor – Please post a picture of you with the long hair! Not sure about my ex, he’s still got a lot of hair and is pushing 43. Plus if he went bald he might hang himself which would upset the wee ones. 🙂 You however wear it well.

  5. Hey Hey Hey, I make money off your husbands love for his hair!!

  6. Haha! Score one for the nerds 😀

    Nice to see an eggplant recipe on a food blog. These vegetables seem quite under-appreciated to me; fried or stuffed or cooked with some spices, these make for a nice side-dish, and healthy too!

  7. the Stuffed Eggheadplant looks extremely yummy!! Love how you keep the stem at eggplant! that makes the whole dish looking wonderful and pretty!!!


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