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Sixteen Candles (Plus Two)


My eldest, Sean, turns eighteen today. Obviously, this is special for a myriad of reasons. It means I’ve legally washed my hands of him, and he’s now totally responsible for all wrongdoings. It means he can’t borrow five bucks just ’cause. It means pounding on his brother gets upgraded to assault, and is a one-way ticket to the curb. It means when it comes to Pokémon, maybe he doesn’t gotta catch ’em all. It means he can pick up smoking where momma left off. It means statutory rape is no joke. (As opposed to when he was a minor and it was just hilarious?) It means he can vote for a country that doesn’t believe in a working class anymore. It means he’ll be paying to remove his own damn wisdom teeth if he doesn’t do a better job brushing them.

Wow, this is like the worst age you could’ve been. What the hell were you thinking, Sean? I guess… give it three years and you can drink it all away? Mother. Of. The. Century.

Turning eighteen also means I’ve successfully reared a child into adulthood. It means that, while his sibling are still being engraved in my holy image, he’s ready to spread the Word of Kim. Whereas most of us are mortified when our kids run screaming through a store, I’ve never viewed such behavior as a critique of anyone’s parenting. (Kids eat rocks; kids are morons.) But the real world, and the choices you’ve influenced them to make in it, are genuine measurements of your time as a role model. Based on what I’ve seen so far, I only medium fucked up my eldest—that’s way better than my projected figures.

I love you, Sean. Momma couldn’t be more proud of the man you’re becoming. I can’t wait to see all the good you bring into your life. Now get a job and shut-up.

Sean’s Tacos

  • Slow-Roasted Pork, shredded (recipe below)
  • Tropical Slaw (recipe below)
  • Roasted Sweet Potatoes (click here for recipe)
  • Taco-sized tortillas (corn, flour or whole wheat)

Warm tortillas, fill with sweet potatoes (mash them a bit in the tortilla), shredded pork and slaw. Serve.

Slow-Roasted Pork

  • 1 pork roast, 3-4 lbs
  • Dry rub (equal parts salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder and garlic powder)
  • 1 bottle beer
  • 2 tbsp pepper jelly
Rub pork with dry rub and allow to set for 3–4 hours or overnight in fridge. Place in Crock-Pot, add beer and jelly and cook for 7–8 hours on low (or 3–4 hours on high). Remove from Crock-Pot, let the roast rest for 5–10 minutes and then shred.

Tropical Slaw

Coleslaw in a taco. You're welcome.

  • 1 bag coleslaw mix (shredded cabbage)
  • 1 avocado, diced
  • 1 mango, diced
  • 1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
  • 1 cup greek yogurt
  • Juice of 2 limes
  • 1/4 tsp cumin
  • 1/2 tsp pepper (more or less to taste)
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 tbsp white wine vinegar
  • 1 tbsp sugar

Mix cabbage, avocado, mango and cilantro in a large bowl. In a small bowl, mix remaining ingredients (dressing). Add dressing to slaw and fold in until well-incorporated. Place in fridge for at least 20 minutes to let the flavors meld. Great in tacos or as a side dish.

Given that my gentle giant (unknowingly) helped create the recipe, it was only fitting to feature it with this particular post. When I made that awesome mole last week, he got the brilliant idea of smashing his side of roasted sweet potatoes into a corn tortilla and combining everything into a taco. This small, inspired act made such an amazing difference, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself. I’d say he’s a chip off the old block, but what happens when the chip is sizably bigger than the old block? Thoughts that deep will make your brain bleed. It’s metaphysics, bro.

TWTG says, “I still don’t like the people I hate.”


6 responses »

  1. I love how your stories weave into your recipes. I thought you were quite a bit younger than I am so now I am even more impressed by you 🙂

    • You haven’t read all about how I turned 40 this year? 🙂 I just look however young you supposed. And it’s excellent genes. I’ve had zero work done. 🙂

      I’ve also had a few cocktails because it’s been a hell of an evening. At least one was for your 200th follow 😉

  2. great post and happy birthday to sean! (i’m way behind on reading blogs… started a new job)


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