Mama’s packing like mad for Vegas, so I won’t be able to make today’s deadline. Instead of gracing you with foodie/trashy goodness, Russell would like to share with you a (very true) story about why he is NOT going to be my navigator on our road trip:
Dear sweet little old man that stopped me for directions this morning,
I am so deeply sorry. You were running late for an appointment with your attorney and I genuinely wanted to help get you there. It was in no way my intention to send you on that wildest of goose chases, but you must understand you were asking exactly the wrong person. If you, in your 200+ years, ever wondered what the opposite of an Arctic Tern was, you met him. Whereas those birds can successfully migrate 24,000 miles a year, I would be mutinied if I helmed a voyage to the local IHOP. There are only two explanations that let me live with myself:
1) I am inexperienced, as I’ve only been asked for directions 5 or 6 times my whole adult life. Hence, I get so nervous about giving the wrong answer that I second guess myself into failure. The worst example was in 1999 when I told a man to drive southwards from Oceanside to reach San Marcos (which is to the east for all you non-Californians). He was only running late to give away his eldest daughter at her wedding. Oops.
2) I am secretly evil and wish to ruin the life of anyone wasting my time. This is 9% likely.
Either way, my question to you, my latest victim, is… what the hell is wrong with you? Have you not heard of MapQuest, Google or smartphones, you oldie-headed bastard? I mean, yes, I get you must’ve been terrified when trains were invented, but not all technology is that intimidating. Adapt or die. At least, die a little later than you’re naturally going to. I didn’t like the sound of that cough.
Russell the Meandering Jackass
So, yeah, hopefully we’ll be back Monday to bring sunshine and vulgarity to your lives once more. If not, you know precisely who to blame. Don’t worry, I’m going to try to get him deep in his coffin. Until then, miss me like crazy and muahs all around!