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Get A Grip

Dear Trader Joe’s, Sprouts, Henry’s and any other health-oriented grocery store that thinks it’s cute to use paper bags with handles on them,

These are the lies you print!

I love you guys, I do. Despite my moniker, I actually prefer to shop within your greener philosophies. Having said that, why do you insist on making it so freaking hard to carry your wares home? Are those seventh generation ass gaskets you use to pack our food an attempt at humor, or some kind of leftist malfeasance? They have the tensile strength of a wet tissue trying to catch a bowling ball. They may be made of 40% recycled material but here’s a fun fact: they fail mankind 100% of the time. I mean, I guess I get it. You wanted us to buy reusable bags. Too many of us wouldn’t play ball and this is… what? Your punishment for an evil world?

  • 4 blood oranges
  • 1 jar Kalamata olives
  • 8 oz Bitchin’ Sauce
  • 1 pint Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Brittle ice cream

Are these the base ingredients for a sweet and savory masterpiece? No. While I’m sure I could find my thinking cap and work them into trashy goodness, they instead inspired trashy madness. Why? Because their combined weight of four whole pounds was enough to explode the handles off the bag. The picture you see above has not been exaggerated for effect. Granted, I was holding it with my hand and walking normally, so I should probably take my share of the blame.

Fie! Fie, I say! Fie in your organic faces!

Simple Pantry Pizza

The Sauce:

  • 1 can tomato paste
  • 1/4 cup sun dried tomatoes packed in olive oil
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 1 tbsp olive oil
  • 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tsp Italian seasoning

The Pizza:

  • French rolls
  • Pizza sauce
  • Mozzarella
  • Pepperoni
  • Chevre (goat cheese)
  • Artichoke hearts

Preheat oven to 400˚. Place all sauce ingredients in food processor and chop until pureed. Slice French rolls in half lengthwise. Spread with pizza sauce. Top with mozzarella, pepperoni, chevre and artichoke hearts. Bake on sheet pan about 8–12 minutes until cheese is melted and edges of bread are nicely browned. Serve, but fair warning: pizza will be lava hot. Of course, you may use whatever toppings you wish. These are just what I happened to have lying around. On the floor. From my torn grocery bags. See? I can be thematic.


2 responses »

    • Thanks. I literally threw this together after rejecting microwave chips ‘n cheese as a sad ass dinner. Like I tell my kids, there’s always something to eat if you are willing to put in a little effort. This took 20 minutes tops and I was surprised how tasty the uncooked sauce turned out. Kind of a red pesto.


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