To the Private Secretary of Sir Kensington,
I hope this letter finds you in good heath, Sir, as I wish to express my sincerest adoration towards that most scoopable of gourmet ketchups: yours. Hats off to you! Hats off, indeed! In this year of our Lord twenty hundred and twelve, mankind’s greatest endeavor—to create a food sauce that is as suitable for the Freemasons as it is for NASCAR-centric assholes—has finally come to fruition. A condiment, so hoity in its toititude, that it may be applied sparingly to furters of a frank nature with nary a peep of censure from aficionados who would otherwise decry “ketchup on hot dogs is for babies, stupid.” Your appearance may be Monopolistic (of the Parker Brothers variety), but your cornered market is delicious flavour. Rest assured, should the shadows of doubt ever darken the endgame of your genius, I present unto you the attached recipe as inarguable proof of your wide-reaching yaw. Thank you, kind Sir, for your fairly-priced bounty of tomatoey, vinegary goodness.
Keep on keepin’ on,
HRH The White Trash Gourmet
Your Sliders, Sir
- 1 tbsp butter
- 1 tbsp soy sauce
- 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
- 2 tbsp dried minced onion
- 1 lb ground beef
- 1 sweet onion, sliced
- 8 sliced bacon, cooked
- 8 slices sharp white cheddar cheese
- Sir Kensington’s Gourmet Scooping Ketchup
- 8 slider buns (I used mini Kaiser rolls)
Melt butter in large glass bowl in microwave. Add soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, minced onions, salt, pepper and ground beef. Mix together using your hands (you can always wash them after). Shape beef mixture into eight patties. I got the right size by rolling a largish meatball and smashing it flat. Set patties aside and caramelize the onion. I use a cast iron skillet on med-high heat. Place the onion slices in a bit of cooking oil and let them brown. Stir them around every now and again until you get a nice caramel color.
Heat skillet to med-high heat and fry burgers. I used my brand spanking new crepe pan and it worked beautifully (the little booklet said it was great for cooking meat). Flip burgers and top with cheese. As soon as I turn off the flame I place a pot lid over the patties so the cheese will melt. It also gives them a little steam, making everything that much more juicy.
Put burgers together as follows: slice buns, spread with avocado (instead of mayo or mustard), place patty on bottom bun, top with one slice of bacon broken in half, caramelized onions and a heaping, properly-scooped spoonful of Sir Kensington’s. Add a bit of arugula and top with the other bun. I served these delicious little buggers with sweet potato chips. A perfect pairing.
Since this post started as a splendidly-written letter, let me finish it with a little postscript: Kensington & Sons, LLC has no idea I exist. I haven’t received a cent (shilling, ruble, peso, etc.) for all my praise of their splendiferous condiment. I only say that for clarity’s sake, because I am certainly not above selling out. In other words… hey companies, pay me money for pimping out your products! I’ve got three kids to feed and they can’t survive on ketchup alone. Wink.